Friday, January 18, 2019

Eye update and current life evaluation

So I was out on disability for 2 months after the accident.  I returned to work the week after Thanksgiving full time and it took a while to get back in the swing of things.  The good news is that I was already working from home 3 days a week so my boss just let me work from home full time until I felt comfortable driving in the office.  It's an hour commute each way looking directly in to the sun both ways.  In January I started coming in on Fridays (traffic's lighter) and in February I'll start back on my 2 days a week in the office.

Speaking of driving, I HATE IT.  I have no depth perception and it's really scary when there's moving vehicles all around you.  I'm having the hardest time with the side to side perspective.  If I'm in the inside lane, all the traffic coming from the other direction look like they are coming straight at me.  I know they're not (at least I hope they're not) but it still looks that way to me.  I only drive when absolutely necessary.  And I might be like that for a long time.

The doctor wants to see if I can keep my original corneal transplant.  It got cloudy with the trauma but has been clearing up gradually since then.  I've been seeing my eye doctor every 2 weeks since the accident.  If it continues to clear up I won't have to have another transplant.  If it doesn't . . . then I'll have to have my name put back on the transplant list and wait my time until it comes up.  Whether my name will come up faster because I've already had one or slower . . . because I've already had one, I don't know.  They won't fix the inside of my eye until they know what the outside (cornea) is going to do.

So, if everything continues to heal and my cornea clears up I might need just one surgery to put another lens in my eye.  It's going to be more complicated than a regular cataract surgery but essentially the same type of surgery since I don't have the little sleeve pocket that the lens usually sits in so they'll have to improvise something to make sure the lens stays in place and doesn't move around in my eye.

Either way, no matter what happens any surgery is still going to be months away for me.  I've been trying to find my "new normal" and get back in to a regular swing of life.  That mostly consists of me sitting at home doing very little after work because my eyes are so tired by the time I'm done.  i also sleep a lot on the weekends (which messes up my sleep schedule during the week for work).

I have started playing video games again but most of the time my heart isn't in it.  I've started posting again this month but only 2 days a week instead of 3.  But I've been thinking a lot about that lately.  I've begone to question if I should continue recording and posting to YouTube.  There's so much time, and vision, involved that my current circumstance is only making more difficult.

I started my YouTube channel to help force me to finish games.  I figured if I took the time to post of video of a game I was making a commitment to actually finishing the game.  But since it's so much harder to play the game, and then edit the video for a game, I'm starting to think it's not worth it for me anymore.  And that makes me sad.

I've actually finished a bunch of games because of my YouTube videos.  I'm afraid if I stop posting then my finish rate will just go down.  But on the other hand it's just so labor intensive for me right now when I'm already struggling to do normal things.  And while I'm proud of each and everyone of the people who have subscribed to my channel my analytics tell me that's not who's watching my videos (and they don't watch for very long).  If I'm putting all that strain on my eyes I really have to think if it's worth it to continue.

I might be healing physically from the accident, but the emotional, psychological and mental process of healing and coming to grips with the fact that I'm now temporarily (hopefully) half blind and will be for possibly another year or more is progressing much slower.  I cry and small stupid things.  If I miss something because I couldn't see it I cry even more.  It's a process and it will take time and I know I'll get there but I have to look at all the things in my life and see what things are helpful to me and what things might actually be harmful to me. 

Spending a lot of time and effort to do a simple thing like play a video game and edit the video might be more than I can handle.  I've told myself that I will finish the games I currently have in rotation (i.e. whatever I'm in the mood to play at that time) and see how I feel after that.  Some of those games are long (like Lost Odyssey) and I might have to make a decision about those earlier than that.  The problem is I don't like to leave things half finished.  If I stopped posting videos in the middle of a play through of a game, even if I continued to play it "off line" from YouTube, it would still feel unfinished.

I've got a lot of decisions in my life and things I've got to deal with now.  I'm not an optimist.  I'm a realist.  But I know things will be better because I want them to and I will work towards that to try and make that happen.  It's just that this is where my life is now and I've got to deal with it the best way that I can for the time being.  If anything changes, I'll let you all know.


4 comments:

Zenra Nukenin said...

It sounds like it would be great to have all of that time off from work, but if you're unable to play games, then what's the point? Well... besides healing, obviously.

I understand your struggle with "completionism". I deal with it too. I'm getting better with playing games for only as long as I'm actually enjoying them, but I still find myself putting off the hot new titles in order to put some time into something that I haven't gotten around to yet. Of the five games I've played the most this January, No Man's Sky is the newest. Outside of that, it's been Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, Remember Me and currently Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor. And Saints Row 2 of course. ALWAYS Saints Row 2. Fortunately, I have enjoyed them all for the most part (although it took me a while to warm up to Shadow of Mordor).

Maybe this is more a problem of "GABLE" (got that from you), and less about completion? While I understand the satisfaction that comes along with finishing what you start, I've found that I enjoy games more when I'm actually enjoying them because they're fun, and not because they're done. And if posting the the videos isn't fun, screw that too! I'd rather play some co-op with you, than watch you play alone on YouTube. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to DO WHAT'S FUN.

Health-wise: I'm sorry to hear that it's taking so long, but I'm glad that you're on the mend. Hopefully, your eye with take the path of least resistance and the burden of time and money will be minimal.

Zenra Nukenin said...

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to make this about me, or trying to "mansplain". It's my clumsy way of "being relatable" and saying that you're not alone, and that I'm positive you will find your balance. Game-wise at least. Your eye problem sounds like a COMPLETE nightmare. ;p

Zenra Nukenin said...

I should have been more clear that "you're not alone game-wise". Not that "you will find your balance game-wise". It's all messed up! Can't edit!!! I've ruined it!
:D

Pengwenn said...

Sorry I didn't see your comments earlier. I try to keep the screen time to a minimum. I don't mind your comments at all. It's nice to see another's perspective and it's nice to hear support every now and then.


I haven't started playing and posting videos again even though it's hard on my eyes to do the whole process. I kind of feel like I have too, not from a "completionist" standpoint but from a "I want to return to a more normal life" standpoint. Although it's painful sometimes, it's actually helped me quite a bit emotionally and mentally. I've actually got around to play the campaign in Gears of War 4 and I'll be posting that soon.

I kept to "easy on the eyes" games like Gems of War or Fallout Shelter for a while and starting to get back into more visually intense (and a lot of eye tracking movement) games like Gears of War 4. After a couple hours of playing at most I'm done for the night and usually take a couple days off afterwards because just the thought of trying to see everything in a video games gives me a head ache. I still don't think I'm up to a twitch shooter type of game. I've played horde mode in GoW4 and I thought my eyes were going to explode.

I don't have many multiplayer games on PS3 or PS4. Most of my games are single player and RPGs. I don't have a headset for either PS3 or PS4 but maybe that's something I can get with my tax refund. Some multiplayer/co-op games I have are:

PS3:
Cloudberry Kingdom
Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
Enemy Front (?)
Resistance (campaign)
SSX
Last of US

PS4:
Bullet Storm
Call of Duty: Black Ops III
Destiney 2 (haven't finished the first one)
Fortnite: Battle Royale
Portal Knights
Warframe
Trials Fusion

If something interests you let me know and I'll see about getting a headset.