One of those moods

I'm going to start this entry off with an apology. I need to too. Why? Because I was in one of those moods the other night. And I'm sorry.

I had a long day at work that day and then I had to go to my parent's house. I guess I didn't HAVE to but I like going and seeing my niece and nephews when they come over. What I don't like is that just watching my three year old nephew . . . I'll call him Katastrophe (he's earned the name) . . . makes me want to take a nap. And I don't just mean when he's playing around on the floor. Just getting him to sit still and play a game that he's wanted to play all day long can be a chore. It's enough to drive this childless girl to the doctor to ask for permanent birth control. Now don't get me wrong, I love my nephew. He just does everything at 100 miles an hour and he can be a bit much to take in my peaceful, laid back, stop-and-smell-the-roses type of world.

By the time I got home I was very tired but I wanted to play games. So I did. But there's two things you should know about me when it comes to gaming if you don't know it already. 1) I'm very competitive. While I don't necessarily play to win I do play to be better than you. Unfortunately that rarely happens. It gets frustrating to always see your name at the bottom of the list (especially when the AI are doing better than you). and 2) I can't stand special treatment. I don't want to be treated any differently because I'm a girl. Or because I don't play as well as you. Or for any other reason. If I lament the fact that I haven't gotten any kills yet I don't want to hear "Oh poor Pengwenn. Let's all go in the middle and just stand there so Pengwenn can kill us." I appreciate the sentiment but I want to get my kills because I've earned them not because you took pity on me. There's more to me and gaming than just these two facets but that's enough for what I have to tell you next.

We started playing the game and our lovely host Mad Max asked what map we wanted to play next in Gears 2. Well there was 8 people in the room and most of us had a suggestion (or a comment on someone else's suggestion) that he didn't hear what I had to say. I gave him a hard time about it. I repeated myself, but once again there was other chatter in the room. When he didn't hear me for the second time but had already selected a different match I teased him about it again. What I expected him to say was "Pengwenn we'll play your map next OK?" What happened was that he backed out of the match before it started up and changed the map to what I had suggested (even though more people had suggested the map he originally had).

I got pissed and left the room.

I sat at the dashboard or the menus (I can't remember) and fumed a little bit. Why? Because I was getting special treatment and it felt like I was getting it because I'm such a lousy player and a 'poor Pengwenn needs all the help she can get' type of thing. I know that wasn't his intentions and I know that's probably not what anyone else was thinking. But what *I* was thinking was that everyone was going to be mad because they were looking forward to playing Subway and now they have to play Gridlock and it's all because of me. I told you I'm always at the bottom of the score list, and that's when I play well, I don't need everyone coming after me to show their displeasure (team kill was on so I mean everyone). I debated about joining back in, calling it a night or playing something else.

I joined back in the game, but I wasn't going to say anything while we played Gridlock. After that I didn't say anything because I didn't want to have to explain anything and get all pissed again. Once we were done playing Gridlock I wasn't mad anymore. But I came back for a reason.

I like playing with my friends. No matter how many matches I'm on the bottom of the scoring list I still like to play with them. Don't ask me why. They're funny (just ask Johnny about Christmas trees) and sweet (Zak's new little girl might very well have some interesting first words). And every now and then their gruff exteriors crumble and they show you their soft underbellies and how much of a gentleman they can be. Like Mad Max backing out and picking the map I wanted instead of the one everyone else selected. Their laughter can be contagious . . . or evil. Their directions are always helpful even if they had to yell at you to give them. Their shots can be deadly or life saving. And they always have your back (in public matches anyway). They might kill you even if you're on the same team and they're mostly apologetic about it afterwards. So even though I don't play as well as them I always want to play with them for the entertainment value alone. I came back for that reason.

And because I respect my friends. I'll never be as consistently good as them but I respect their skills as a gamer and them as a person. I'd never want to come face to face with Hell Weasel or Evil Ric with a torque bow in an alley. And I've learned to keep El Sand Dog more than arms length away at all times while playing Gears. And if I ever hear that c5ride has a sniper and has his sights set on the area where I'm at I'm going to cower in the smaller corner I fit in and bury myself until he's long gone. I'm not going to pop my head up for anything. I'm not stupid. And then there's Fbody's shotgun. While the rest of us are still trying to figure out the nuances of the gun in the latest game, he acts like he's been reunited with an old friend. And if someone could just tie some bells around Zak's neck I would greatly appreciate it. And I still haven't seen anyone with a more spectacular boomshot than the one Johnny Blade had on Gridlock several weeks ago. That shot has gone down in history.

Anyway, I play with my friends because I like them and respect them . . . even when I get pissy. And before any of you ask I was not PMSing. So I apologize for all my past moods. And I apologize for any future pissy moods I might get into in the future. Depending on the day I had it might not take much to set me off. Just know this: it will pass. I can't stay mad at you guys forever. After all I still have Pogue Moran on my friend's list don't I?