Friday, March 6, 2009

Poll Results - How stupid am I?

Okay, here's the results from my latest poll:

How stupid do you think I am?

I'm surprised you know your own name = 1 vote
It's a good thing breathing is automatic = 4 votes
Stupid is as stupid does = 4 votes
You're not stupid . . . you're just dumb = 0 votes

I know you were all reluctant to vote but you should be thankful I didn't put another option in that I was considering. It would have been "all of the above".

The reason I started this poll, which was all in good fun, was one of my Gaming Goals was to find my Star Wars: The Force Unleashed game. I got this game before I moved but I hadn't seen it since then. The way I keep all of my games is that I have a large binder with who knows how many pages that can hold 4 disks to a side, eight to a page. That case has been full for some time so as I bought new games they were left in the case piled up next to the TV. In my many attempts to pack boxes and consolidate items I took some games out of their cases and put them into other cases that could hold more. Like Blue Dragon and Lost Odyssey. Those games are multi-disk so I could put 3 or 4 disks in one case. Then I packed up.

Since I've moved I've unpacked all of my boxes that held video game equipment. I never even knew I was missing the game until I saw Pogue playing it the other day and I suddenly got the urge to play it myself. When I couldn't find the game I panicked. I'm not missing a video game! And a Star Wars one at that. I looked through my case very carefully (even saying the name of each game out loud just to make sure it wasn't the right game) and I still couldn't find it. I even unpacked and opened up each game case to see which ones might still have a disk in it. Several days went by before I tried one last act of desperation.

Next to my recliner in the family room I have a plastic tub that is partially filled with audio books that I haven't put on my book cases yet. I've been using the tub as a side table to hold my phone, remote and any beverages I might be consuming while playing. After searching everywhere else I thought I would just open it up just to make sure it's audio books only. Apparently it wasn't. I had about 6 or 7 game cases in there and guess what? One of them (Lost Odyssey) had not only my Star Wars disk but disk 2 of Lost Odyssey. I didn't even know I was missing that disk. I felt completely stupid in that the game was sitting right next to me every time I played a game or watched TV. And the fact that the tub is clear and I could have seen into it without even opening it up to know that there were game cases inside makes me feel even more stupid.

I know you all think I'm probably crazy. You're thinking "that's it?" That's what makes you think you're stupid? That's just one example of my stupidity. When I go to take my allergy medicine I walk all the way to the kitchen to get something to drink in order to take the meds when I realize I left the medicine back in my bathroom. The kitchen and my bathroom are about as far away from each other as you can get in my house. So I take a glass of milk or water all the way back to my bathroom to take my medicine only to have to walk all the way back to the kitchen in order to take care of my dirty glass. Stupid. Now, you're probably thinking, you're not stupid . . . just lazy. But there's more.

Today I brought 2 pairs of old glasses that I was going to put in the donation box we have here at work. The donation box is on the other side of the building right on the way to the cafe. I went over there once this morning for a meeting and once again this afternoon to get lunch. Did I bring the glasses with me to put in the donation box either time? Nope. See, stupid. I have lots of moments like that that just annoy the crap out of me. And the older I get the more prevalent these moments seem to get.

You combine those moments with how I've been feeling lately about things (game related and not) and I just feel stupid all the time. For instance I know someone from my writer's website that I'm a moderator on. He was able to get admitted into Orson Scott Card's week long writer's boot camp a couple of years ago. I was only able to get into the open 2 day course (which anyone could attend) because my story was not good enough to be accepted. He recently had his first novel published in January and it's already on it's third printing (which is huge for a first time novelist) and at last glance it was number 30 on the New York Time's Bestseller List (the book is titled Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet). I think there's a fine line between being really excited for someone and being total jealous of them. With Jamie I crossed that line recently and it's made me feel really stupid that he's doing all these great things with his life (things that I've always wanted to do, but haven't) and I haven't even finish a novel myself. Stupid.

Then, gaming related, I've felt really stupid because my game play has sucked even more so than usually for the last little while. It's hard sometimes to play with people that are raking up 10+ kills in a 5 game match when I'm over the moon just getting 2 kills or maybe just not dying 5 times. When I compare my numbers to theirs it's pathetic and as much as I like playing with them I wonder why, no matter what I do, I just can't seem to get any better. Stupid.

You know that fine line between being excited for someone and jealous of them? Well, I'm starting to teeter over that line occasionally with my friends and when I do teeter over I don't enjoy playing the game as much as I use to. No matter how much I like my friends.

Is this something that my friends are making me feel? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! This is something that, for some reason, I'm putting on myself. Every time I get reminded of the stupid things I do in life (or what I'm not doing) I become more aware of the stupid things I do in video games. Stupid things, like not knowing how to fix my computer = poor game play. Not knowing what type of new computer to get = stupid game play. Not dropping off old glasses = stupid game play. Not writing my New York Times Bestselling novel = stupid game play. Not killing anyone and/or dying instantly in games = stupid game play. I even feel stupid for bringing the matter up because I think it's effected some of my friends and maybe damaged some of my friendships. Stupid.

I want my friends to know that I am still happy and excited for you when you play really well in a match, but for now I'm still going to be hard on myself about how I play. That doesn't mean you should change how you play the game, or the over abundant excitement (i.e. yelling) that you might experience while playing the game with me. I told you in my comments to my Ugh! post that I don't take it personally, it's just a stupid things I'm going through right now. And despite how stupidly I play I hope you're still willing to play with me. Or at least send me an invite if you're desperate enough to get a full team. I might be stupid, but I still understand desperation for a full team (more on that in another post).

Besides, like popcorn and oatmeal, this too shall pass (however unpleasantly). But until then, stupid is as stupid does. So now you know how I voted and why.


metallicorphan said...

erm,i wanna change my vote to 'I'm surprised you know your own name '

or was that me who voted for that one?...hmm

Kralon said...

I know how tough it can be to finally admit that you are (gasp) human. Sounds like you have been performing a super human juggling act with your life and you just finally dropped the balls (No pun intended). Like a "normal" human being would. You shouldn't worry about any of it and just try to get settled in your new environment. Life gets easier if you just concentrate on breathing for awhile.

Kralon said...

Couple of problems I had with the author and book thing. I had to double check that it was indeed a guy that would come up with such a corny and cliche title. A title like that would have gotten me a "C" in English 101. It goes along with gagging me with a spoon.
Second of all a "writers boot camp". Talk about a slap in the face to anyone who served in the military. A "writer's retreat" would be a better choice of combining writing and military terms. He may have wrote "touching tale of Seattle during WWII". Way too girlie for me. Must be a down year for competition for best sellers. Not to take away from his achievements the way to make sure that I don't read a novel or a movie is to have the novel be on the top sellers list and have a movie that gets rave reviews from critics. Is the sarcasm coming through?

Pengwenn said...

The original title while he was working on it was "Panama Hotel" which is the name of a place where the story takes place. His editor at the Doubleday changed the title.

It's hard to hear his success knowing I've said I've wanted to be a writer since jr high. And look at me. All my writing recently has been either on this blog or in emails for work.