A dog lover, a bigamist and horny as hell

No, that title is not the opening line to a joke . . . or my profile on an online dating website. I'm talking about a game people. Fable II to be precise.

Okay, lets start with the "dog lover". Yes, I know you'd rather talk about being a bigamist or horny as hell, but it's my blog so I get to talk about what I want in the order I want to talk about it. Just consider the "dog lover" talk to be foreplay before we get to the good stuff.

I was playing Fable II and I taught my dog Meko a new trick. Then I started to perform the action that would make Meko do the trick. At the same time my own real life dog Zoe was sitting in front of me wanting desperately to be petted. When she heard Meko bark her ears perked up and she got very still. I made Meko bark a few more times then Zoe turned around and started staring at the TV.

After a few more tricks Zoe walked up to the TV and tried to find the dog I must be hiding underneath the TV. She couldn't find it. So she tried looking behind the TV to find the dog. No luck there. She finally came back to the front of the TV and some movement on the screen must have caught her eye. She stared directly at the screen and watched my character interact with Meko. I pointed to the screen and said "look at the doggy Zoe" and she immediately made the connection between Meko, the dog on the screen, and the sound of the barking. If I ran around so Meko was on the left of the screen, Zoe would move over to the left side of the TV, hop up on the edge of the TV stand and stare right where Meko was. If I moved Meko to the right side, Zoe would move over there. She even started whining at the screen. And once she growled because I made Meko growl. When she started licking the screen, trying to get to the dog, I almost fell over because I was laughing so hard. It made me wish I had a video camera so I could show you what she was like. Yes, I am a dog lover . . . and apparently Zoe is too.

Now for the juicy parts.

I'm now a bigamist. Yep. I'm married . . . twice. At the same time. At least my character in Fable II is. The first marriage was easy. Getting that second marriage was a little harder. I don't know why. I've proposed to several people. I've almost got a whole village engaged to me. But actually tying the knot for the second time and getting the Bigamist achievement seemed elusive. No matter how many properties I bought I wasn't given the opportunity to make it a marriage house.

Then I started working on one of the side quests. I was suppose to deliver a rejection letter to a guy named Alex in town. When I got there my options were to 1) deliver the letter and break his heart or 2) marry him. I chose to marry him. I didn't marry him for love, or money . . . I married him for the achievement and I'm happy with that. And for right now Alex is happy too.

My problem now is I can't figure out how to have sex. Looking at dain's achievements I saw that he has had sex, and a child, so I'd figure I'd ask for his advice. Can you image how awkward it would be if your sister came up to you and asked you how to have sex and a child? It was a little bit awkward but we laughed about it and then I listened to his advice. It was essentially 1) get someone to fall in love with you, 2) get them to follow you, and 3) find the closest bed and "activate" it.

I tried to follow his advice, but when I get to the bed my only option is to rest. I tried it with my first husband (I figured I should give our marriage a chance first before I start stepping out on him) but that didn't work. I've tried it with several of my fiances and with total strangers. Apparently it's "not tonight, I've got a headache" for everyone in Albion except me. But then again maybe I'm too horny for anyone to give in to their "swinger" tendencies.

Yep, you heard me. I'm horny.

I've got two giant horns growing out of my forehead that hang all the way down to my chin. Did you think I was talking about any other kind of horny? I wasn't planning on playing up my darker half, but all the stealing I've been doing seems to have an effect on my appearance. Grown men have run screaming from my presence. And I recently got the "Extremist" achievement for obtaining 100% corruption. I'm not 100% evil yet because I think marrying Alex was a good thing, even if it made me a bigamist. And I might have done a few good deeds at the beginning. Maybe it's just that all the citizens of Albion aren't interested in doing a little "horizontal hokey-pokey" with a character that looks like a devil. Devil's need some loving too, you know.

I think it might have something to do with the expressions. I sold a few books before I read them so there are some expressions I don't have that I should. Those missing expressions might included something along the lines of "lets get busy" but since I don't have those books anymore I wouldn't know. All my money currently has been going into buying real estate. I want to be the horniest Donald Trump of Albion. I would say the world, but we've already got one of those.

So if any of you would like to offer some advice as to how I (meaning my character) can have sex (or the appearance of sex) in a video game (so I can get an achievement), let me know. Feel free to consult your wives, girlfriends or significant others before doing so. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble or the title of "Swinger" or "Bigamist" in real life. Let's just keep those in the video games, shall we?