Monday, August 9, 2010

Survival Guide for Zombie Armageddon

I've been thinking and I know how humanity is going to end. Zombies. Something will infect the population and most of us are going to turn into flesh eating, feral, undead creatures. Kind of like what some of you already are before your morning coffee. But this time the ugliness would be permanent. The Zombie Armageddon is coming, are you ready? If not, I've compiled some helpful hints to help you make it through the hordes of the undead as they come to devour your brains. (For some of you that would only be a light snack.)

Tip #1:
YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW TO FIRE A GUN. Once the apocalypse is here you'll be an excellent marksman even if you've never picked up a gun before. And if you don't want to use a gun that chainsaw your neighbor has been hiding for years (even though he doesn't have any trees) is the preferred method of fighting zombies. If your neighbor is still alive now might be the time to make friends. If he's a zombie use his own tool to kill him.

Tip #2:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN! Nothing ever good can come out of fighting off zombies all by your self. The preferred method of survival actually consists of a team of four people. Preferably not family. Sorry. If you want to survive with your family they you can only do so with two others. Preferably one you really like and one you can live without because one of them isn't going to make it. Let's up it's the one you can live without.

If you want to ensure your greatest chance of survival then your party of four must consist of the following types of people:

a) The Authority Figure. This could be an ex-soldier, a football coach or maybe a seasoned teacher. They are responsible for keeping the group organized and their preferred method of communication is the pep talk. They also must have a nick-name, like 'Sarge', 'Coach', or 'Teach'. If a suitable nick-name can not be agreed upon then they should be addressed with respect like 'Mr. Smith', etc.

b) The Narcissistic A-hole. While you might very well like to avoid this character at all costs he's vital to the survival of the group. While he will bitch and complain the whole time about the waves of zombie attackers you'll have to fight through to make your escape, he'll fight right along beside you. And while most of his suggestions will be pointless and waste time during those rare planning moments he will make one suggestion that will save your life. Of course that one suggestion will be so far fetched that it couldn't possibly work, but it will save your ass at a critical point. Be on the look out for that suggestion. It always comes right when the guy starts to get tolerable and he realizes he CAN live without hair gel and designer suits if he makes it out of [insert city name] alive. Of course now that his suggestion actually worked to save everyone he's going to be more intolerable than before.

c) The Young Punk. This is the young kid who shows no interest in the world around even if that world starts throwing undead killers at him. He'll be closed off and probably carry around a hand-held gaming system for those "down times". He'll have the quickest reflexes, greatest accuracy and you'll thank your lucky stars the kid learned it all from video games. He'll also be a virgin, but if your team survives intact the next person can take care of that.

d) The Hot Chick. This is the girl that wouldn't mop the floor because she'd probably break a nail but suddenly she's tough as nails and not afraid to get dirty. She's also got to be able to handle three guys all at once. That's not easy if they think she's the last female on the planet. Mr. Narcissistic Man will flirt with her unceasingly to the point of nausea. The Young Punk will have a secret crush on her. And the Authority Figure will look at her like he's own daughter. In the darkest hour when all hope is lost she might grant one "death wish" from the Young Punk and de-virginize him, but if she ever sleeps with the self-obsessed pretty boy it will be the biggest mistake of her life.

Tip #3:
GUN SHOPS WILL ALWAYS BE FULLY STOCKED when you're on the move. It doesn't matter where you go there will be a gun shop and it will be the one place that hasn't been looted yet. Why? Maybe because everybody around has been turned into zombies. If that's the case grab everything you can carry and run like hell to get out of there. That will be the one place the zombies will be waiting for you.

Tip #4:
TAKE DOWN THE BIGGER ZOMBIES FIRST. Don't be fooled by those scrawny ones that run up to you really fast and barely have the strength to attack you. You can survive those guys for a minute or two while you concentrate your fire on those hugely deformed ones that lumber at you slowly. You'll know they're around because you can feel the ground shake or there will be a strange music/squeal like sound just before they make their appearance. Those guys can do damage so take them out as quickly as possible.

Tip #5:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SAFE HOUSE! It doesn't matter how far you run from a populated city or if you eliminated all opposition in a building. If you close that door and stay there to rest, they will find you. But that doesn't mean you have to constantly move all the time. You're only human (so far anyway) so you'll need to get some sleep and heal yourself. Do it in teams. Two people heal and rest while the other two stand guard. When you get to the next 'safe house' let the other pair rest while you stand guard. It's not a glamorous job but somebody's got to do it if you want to get out of there alive.

Tip #6:
THE GOVERNEMENT IS YOUR ONLY CHOICE FOR SURVIVAL. If you do manage to get out of there alive it will, no doubt, mean you're left to live on a government controlled plot of land somewhere. Government rules. Government food. And government healthcare. Yes, life sucks . . . but at least you're alive.

Tip #7:
GET YOURSELF A GUN. If you are unable to abide by these tips then the best thing to do once the zombies start taking over is to put a gun to your head and blow your brains out. You do not want to be one of the walking dead. It wrecks havoc on your complexion.

There you have it. You have now all been warned about the end of days and instructed on how to survive the zombie apocalypse that is surely coming. I've been practicing for it now on my Xbox 360 to keep my skills honed just nicely enough to survive. Does anyone want to be in my group of four? If, in the event that you become a zombie I'll do a later post about tips for you. But seriously, do you think zombies are on the internet?


Zenra Nukenin said...

Rules for surviving the zombie apocalypse? Sounds like a movie that I saw.
"Rule #1: Cardio"

The cure for cancer will cause the zombie outbreak. Mark my words.

metallicorphan said...

hmm,i am sure i can come up with a joke about 'eating you out' from this,Penny :D

i think i will be up for Tip 1,and although i am also a moody bastard who doesn't get on well with others,i will prolly attempt tip number 2
you see i don't practise with L4D1/2..i practise with Dead Rising ;)

@tip 6-it was prolly their fault in the first place!!! grumble,grumble,nag,nag

Helll Weasell said...

Zenra - I think we saw the same movie. Check back seats, don't be a hero, and my personal favorite... the "double tap". Shaun of the Dead is a good one too.

I am fully prepared for the inevitable Zombie Outbreak. Stubbs the Zombie, CoD Nazi Zombie mode, Dead Rising (and soon Dead Rising 2), Zombie Apocalypse, L4D, L4D2, Resident Evil 5,... My thirst for killing zombies is never quenched. I know all their moves! BRING 'EM ON!!!

Pengwenn said...

Weasell, I think I want you in my group. Are you the young punk or the narcissistic jerk? Nevermind, I think I know the answer. You're the chick, right? :)